If only you knew.

I really like him. Honestly, i've been having mixed feelings about what happened. I just have this instinct that he knows or at least can guess. I kinda want him to know but at the same time, i don't want him to know anything. This feeling sucks. I know he's a playboy (or what i heard of) Honestly, what i'm thinking? Why do we still fall in love with the guys that we're not right for? It's because we might think he might turn out different. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. I'm not even sure. I keep thinking to myself why why WHY do i always fall into this trap. I feel like i'm stuck within it. I know i might be over thinking about it. Everyone says it might not happen and all shit, but why do i just keep on believing? I just wonder, if he really knows, what might he think of me? What if he ignores me or what if he goes around with his ego telling people? What if. I'm so scared. But just what if.

For all i know, my confidence is never in me. I try to embrace it once in a while but at the end of the day, i still feel so insecure about myself. Who would like me for the physical me? I feel ashamed. I know i'm blessed with eyes, nose, mouth and everything. But i know for sure, there wouldn't be any guy that would see through me. As much as i hope that guy would be him, it's just my thinking. It won't happen. I'm pretty sure. I wanted to get over him. Why oh why must he wished me HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I can't forget it. It was probably the best day of my life. Haha, i've been wishing it since July, talking to my friend how i wish he would wish me. AND HE DID :') haha but at the end of the day, it's just wishing a friend for him.

I know this is stupid but.

To you, if you ever know this, i hope you'll never ever ignore me or make things awkward or anything. If you ever know this, i hope you'll be that guy that would be different than any other guys. Please don't hurt other girls's heart. I know you're better than that. If you ever know this, i hope you know that you made such a great impact of my life so far. But i'm sure one day i'll find another guy that resembles my liking towards you. Because sooner or later, if nothing happens, time might just make me get over you. 

You just remind me of "Untouchable" by Taylor Swift

Untouchable like a distant diamond sky
I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you
Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun
And when you're close, I feel like coming undone
In the middle of the night when I'm in this dream
It's like a million little stars spelling out your name
You gotta come on, come on, say that we'll be together
Come on, come on, little taste of heaven

Because you're just, "untouchable, like a distant diamond sky"
That's all.. i don't know but this post is just a rant ah well.  Sorry for being so cheesy lol.It sounds crazy like as if he would read this. How i wish. Haha oh well. 

Nikki x

Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen!

Now that one week has passed, i'm gonna post all the celebrations i had for my birthday! :)

1) Section dinner turned into a birthday dinner for me! It was really a surprise! I really didn't know any shit that was going on! I'm so blessed with such a fun and lovely section mates. I don't know what i'll do without them. :')

2) Next, i celebrated my birthday with my close friends in band! I knew there was something going on, but in the end, they trolled me too! Haha! And i played helium for the first time. Wheeeee. I felt like i was legal to do it. Haha! Oh, thank you Vanessa for making such a cute surprise! And also, to everyone that putting so much effort. :')

*Oh and of course, i had to give something to them for the lovely surprise. Only to the girls though. Hahaha, gave them sunflowers wheeeee :) 

3) I had a family dinner at Johor for my birthday! It was just good seafood yumyumyum! Haha so thankful for such a wonderful family for making the effort to celebrate my birthday. (Cause usually, we don't celebrate - only on rare occasions) Love them to bits :')

              

4) My poly friends celebrated my birthday at Sentosa! Haha i knew they were going to surprise me. Haha, but it was definitely so sweet of them to take their time off and celebrate it with me. Omg, and they got me Taylor Swift perfume and Cath Kidson laptop sleeve. Thank God for them making my poly days (so far) such a blast! Oh and highlight of that day: Lying down on the beach and watching the sun set, also, looking up to the sky. I must declare that it's the best feeling ever. Like, EVER. :') 

making a wish

                                    blowing the fake candle hehe                                 

tried wearing a snapback hahahah

5) Of course i had to spend it with my pretty ladies. It was so impromptu and i love it when it happens! We went picnic at Gardens by the Bay. And it was really really really pretty! They surprised me with a mini cupcake. Haha, they didn't had a lighter. So, Denise used some app that has a candle lit up. And when i blew it, the fire really goes off. WHICH IS SO COOL! ^^ Ah, and of course, really catch up with them. And seriously speaking, they've been the pillars of my life. Motivating, supporting me. I couldn't have been any happier. I love you guys :') 

6) I also had a birthday garden party with my Malay friends. I didn't had any picture, damn it. But it was just like good ol' days. I love it when i catch up with such great friends. Eating chocolate fondue and good food cooked by my mum, eating it with candles lit at the corner of the garden, ahhh, it had a nice ambience. I wish there were pictures to prove it! Haha, i love my Malay friends for giving such cute presents. And then, Sabrina and Lyani sleepover. Woah, it has been so long since i had sleepovers. LOVE IT. Wearing our jammies and singing songs and just girl to girl talks. Yay, i love my friends so much :')

Having all these birthday celebrations/surprises, i must say i'm truly blessed. And i'm so thankful for everyone that has been in my life for the past 17 years. Whether it's good or bad, different people have shaped me to who i am today. And i'm finally 17! Thank you everyone for the wishes! I love each and everyone of you :') <3 

Nikki x